There’s something missing this Christmas

            If you asked me a year ago how I envisioned today, I would have told you, without a doubt, it would be me and my husband, our two cats and a new baby celebrating Christmas. Instead it’s just us and the cats.

            A small part of me still held out hope that I’d get a Big Fat Positive for Christmas. I imagined wrapping up the onesie hiding in the back of my sock drawer and putting it among the gifts to surprise my husband this morning. Everything was perfect for that. My cycle even lined up properly, making today the day I could conceivably test and expect a positive. I sat in the bathroom this morning while my husband was still sleeping, watching the dye slowly move up the test. Wishing with all my heart that there would be two lines. That after all these failed cycles and my infertility diagnosis we would get a Christmas miracle.

           

            Five minutes later I was staring at a stark white test. No baby for me today. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. It was still early, my period isn’t due until tomorrow, I could get my BFP a day later. Even though it wouldn’t be on time for Christmas, I’d still be ecstatic.

            All hopes were dashed less than an hour later when I got confirmation that I’m not pregnant. Another failed cycle. A Christmas morning spent sobbing on the bathroom floor.

            A change has happened recently for my husband and I. We don’t talk about it, but we both notice it. We no longer talk about “when” we have a baby. Now we talk about “if”. “If we ever have kids we’ll do this” “If we ever have kids we’ll do that”. We’re slowly giving up hope of this ever happening for us. There is a hole in our life and we may never be able to fill it. My heart breaks when I look at my husband and think about what a great dad he would be, and how I may never be able to make him one. I know next Christmas it will be me and my husband and the cats. I’m losing hope that there will be a baby, our baby, there too.

#infertility #1in6        

Today I want to give up

I’ve always known I wanted children. I’ve known my husband was the man I wanted them with for several years. For several years we talked about our future kids – two girls and a boy – we discussed names, travel plans, lessons and activities, our perfect little house with a yard and some cats, where our family would grow. As a PhD candidate, finding the right time to have a baby was difficult. With the nature of my research I couldn’t be pregnant and continue my work, so holding off until the end of my degree made sense. We would time it so the baby was born when I started writing my thesis, giving me six months home with the baby while still receiving my scholarship, before starting a post-doc and continuing on my way.

Since I had all this time waiting before we could try for a baby, I spent my time researching TTC (trying to conceive). I went for a pre-conception appointment with my doctor to make sure everything was good for pregnancy. This is when things started to derail. I was severely iron deficient and needed to start supplements to raise my iron levels before TTC. That took 6 months, putting the TTC plans on hold for 2 months. Finally, we could start trying. I had great hopes for a pregnancy that first month. My grandma, mom and aunt all had amazing fertility, so I saw no reason why I should be any different.

That first month I was optimistic but nervous. I started tracking my basal body temperature, I monitored my cervical mucus, and I made sure we hit the fertile window as much as possible. That first cycle my luteal phase was too short for implantation to happen, so I moved on to my second cycle. Second cycle my luteal phase length was good, but this is when the problems started. I noticed that after I ovulated I had spotting. Not too heavy, just enough to be annoying. I figured it would go away.

By the fifth cycle it was clear the spotting wasn’t going away. In fact, it had gotten worse.

I went to my family doctor. She thought my thyroid or one of my sex hormones was abnormal, so I had my blood taken. Everything was well within normal ranges. Next she sent me for an ultrasound. It took almost a month to get in. Everything looked normal. My family doctor referred me to an obgyn. It would be another 6 weeks before I could get an appointment. My obgyn ran a few more tests and sent me for an HSG. The HSG was uncomfortable and painful, and I had heavy bleeding afterwards. The obgyn tests were normal. The HSG was normal. My obgyn can find no reason for the luteal phase bleeding and referred me to a fertility specialist.

I’m now on cycle 10. The bleeding started 3 days ago. I’ll bleed for another 7 days before my period arrives and I’ve given up hope of ever having a baby. Month after month I do everything right to increase the chances of conception, and month after month I watch my uterine lining slowly leak out of me way too soon. Month after month I imagine my little embryo looking for a spot to implant, but having nowhere to go. I don’t know how many more months of this I can take. I just want a baby. I just want this bleeding to stop.

It's been awhile/The importance of a name in science

So, it’s been awhile since I wrote a new blog post. I’ve been very busy in the lab and at home since I last wrote. My first paper of my PhD was published at PLoS One in the spring, and just after my paper came out I advanced to candidacy in my PhD program. I attended both the Canadian Society of Immunology and the Canadian Association of HIV Research conferences, and many people were interested in the humanized mice, which I have just started making. I also have been working at a biotech company through the MITACS-Accelerate program. I’m looking into extending my biotech intership for at least another 6 months, and am taking on a TA-ship for the fall. I’ve also taken my first trip to Europe (it was only 10 years in the making) and am now planning my wedding for spring next year!

I’ve been thinking about this blog recently and what I wanted it to be about. I’ve decided to stick with my interests, but it won’t just be about science and cupcaking anymore. As I am trying to get back into my old hobbies and develop new ones, the blog will range from cool science papers, book reviews, recipes, and anything else that I think is amazing.

Today, though, an issue I have been thinking about a lot . . . The importance of a name in science

Since I am going to be married soon, I have been thinking a lot about what name I will use after I am married. All my non-scientist friends that have recently married have just hyphenated their last name, but I have never been a fan of hyphenated names – and my last name and my fiancé’s last name don’t really sound good together. I feel like there is a huge pressure on women in science to keep their name after marriage. A large number of the female students in my program are married, and all of them have kept their name. As a young scientist trying to establish a career, I can understand the desire to have all your accomplishments linked to one name, that having to list 2 names on your CV may be a disadvantage, and to wonder what would happen in the event your marriage fails. It does make me feel bad to consider what will happen if my fiancé and I divorce someday, especially given that we haven’t even married yet, but this name issue is occurring during the time when I am starting to establish my career, and whatever name I pick will be the one I firmly establish myself with. I have published 2 papers and a video protocol with my maiden name. Is that enough to justify keeping it? It means a lot to my husband that I take his name – is that enough to justify changing it? Should I add his name to the end of mine (no hyphen) and use my maiden name for science, my married name personally? Will that be too confusing? And then I turn to PubMed to input both my maiden and married name. Although neither last name is common, 241 results come up for my maiden name, exactly 3 of which are actually mine. My paper from June 2013 has already been bumped to #2, following a the publication of a newer paper by a "name twin" and my paper from 2012 is #8. I may get lost in among the other Farr,C_’s. A quick search of my married name reveals a grand total of 3 papers – none of which have an author with the same initials, just the same last name. Is this the way to go? Will I be looked down upon for changing my name upon marriage? Or will the uniqueness of my new name be a benefit for the future? Does PubMed searchability even matter when trying to establish a career? And, do I really want to give up my spot in alphabetical order from the early start to the very end? :P

CF or CZ or CFZ 

New Rhabdovirus that causes Hemorrhagic Fever

A novel Rhabdovirus (the same family as rabies) has been discovered in the Democratic Republic of Congo. This new virus is associated with acute hemorrhagic fever. Three cases were identified, but only one has been confirmed. The first two cases died within 2-3 days of presenting with symptoms. The third case was a nurse that had cared for the other two. The nurse survived, and the novel virus was identified in their blood. No other potential cases were found at the time. The source (hemorrhagic fever is generally a zoonotic infection) and mode of transmission have not been determined.

http://www.plospathogens.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.ppat.1002924

Should people be paid for research tissue donations?

A piece in Science on July 6 discussed the case of Henrietta Lacks (the patient HeLa cells are derived from) and whether people who donate tissue for research purposes should receive compensation.

http://www.sciencemag.org/content/337/6090/37

This week, several letters were also published in Science that argue for or against a compensation scheme. The main issues are should compensation be given? how much? would royalties be included? would type of tissue matter? would the number of donors decrease? would compensation induce more people to consent?

Human tissue is an invaluable part of research. Those tissues that are collected are "waste" or dangerous (ex tumours). As someone that will soon rely on human tissue samples, I am in favour of whatever will send tissue my way. However, I don't feel comfortable if people aren't really ok with their tissue being used in research but are donating because they are in need of the money.

Fewer women enrol in HIV vaccine trials

More than half of the new HIV infections occur in women in developing countries, but only about 20% of the participants in phase I and II HIV vaccine trials are women. This makes it difficult for researchers to determine if the virus is actually effective in women. It's thought that this may be due to a couple factors - the first that women can not become pregnant during the trial, but most eligible women are usually within the reproductive age; second, women may need to seek consent from their parents or partners to participate in the trial and this may influence their willingness to participate.

http://www.nature.com/news/hiv-vaccine-trials-struggle-to-enrol-women-1.11415

Same article also on SciDev.Net (I'm not sure if access to the articles is different)

http://www.scidev.net/en/health/hiv-aids/news/hiv-vaccine-trials-struggle-to-enrol-women.html

Vaccine trail identifies targets for immune response that could improve future vaccines

Saw this on Twitter today and thought it was really interesting. Will post the link to the full article later.

http://www.nature.com/news/vaccine-trial-reveals-chinks-in-hiv-s-armour-1.11380