Back when we started trying 16 cycles ago, I thought I’d
get pregnant right away. My family is full of women that got pregnant easily so
I had no reason to believe that I would be any different. Mother’s Day would
have had me 12 weeks and I had already planned how to tell my parents. The baby
would have been my parents first grandchild so I was going to send them a
combined Mother’s Day and Father’s Day gift of mugs saying “World’s Best
Grandma” and “World’s Best Grandpa” with an ultrasound picture. I didn’t get
pregnant cycle 1, but there was always Father’s Day because I would for sure
get pregnant cycle 2. I stopped planning announcements on cycle 8 when my OBGYN
diagnosed me with infertility. Even then it never crossed my mind that I still
wouldn’t even be pregnant the next time Mother’s Day rolled around.
I think the mothers in my life are amazing. They deserve
a day to recognize how amazing they are. But getting through the past few weeks
has been incredibly difficult. Everywhere I turn there are advertisements for
Mother’s Day. “Show Mom some love by shopping our 30% off sale”, “Last minute
Mother’s Day gifts”, “Buy a special gift for your Mom”, “Put Mom at the top of
your list”. Social media is full of Mother’s Day things, including this new
post going around my friends list: “Motherhood dare! (I accepted) I was nominated to post
a picture that makes me happy/proud to be a mom... (only one picture) I'm going
to tag some ladies whom I think are fabulous mothers (I know way too many to
tag you all - sorry), and can rise up to the challenge of posting a pic of
their own. If I've tagged you as one of the awesome moms, copy the text and
paste it to your wall with a picture, and tag more moms! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
(soon) to each of you xoxoxo "I LOVE BEING A MOM and I love all of YOU”
Every single one is a small stab to my heart reminding me
that I’m not a mother. Despite doing everything I possibly can to become a mom,
I am not. 15 failed cycles, including 2 failed intrauterine inseminations, 3
different doctors, 8 doctor visits, countless blood tests, an HSG, a
transvaginal ultrasound, an abdominal ultrasound, 3 monitoring ultrasounds,
$1200 on fertility treatments, $600 on medications, a semen analysis, ovulation
prediction tests, pregnancy tests, fertility charting app, basel body
temperature thermometer, 3 books on charting your cycles and increasing the
chances on conception, many research articles on fertility and infertility
treatments, almost 2 years of prenatal
vitamins with DHA, extra B vitamins, extra vitamin C, extra vitamin D, baby
aspirin, Coenzyme Q, vitamins for my husband, Preseed lubricant – all I see is
a stark white pregnancy test. I don’t get to see my husband kiss and talk to my
belly. I don’t get to hold his hand and look at wonder at an ultrasound showing
us our baby. I don’t get to feel my baby grow inside me, feel my baby kick. I
don’t get to hold my baby with my husband, look into their eyes and think “we
made you”.
While you are celebrating tomorrow, while you are posting
things like the above on Facebook, and even while you are struggling with a
difficult pregnancy, a challenging toddler or a mouthy teenager, take a minute
– just one – to think about your friends and family that want so desperately to
be mothers too. The ones with no living children. The ones struggling, doing
everything they can to conceive. They may not have shared their story with you,
but with 1 in 6 Canadian couples struggling with infertility and 1 in 4 that
have miscarried, they are the woman in front of you at the grocery check out,
and the one sitting next to you on the bus, the coworker in the office down the
hall, your neighbour, your cousin, your friend. They are struggling to get
through tomorrow and they are wishing and hoping and praying with every they
have that next year, next year will be the year that they are a mother too.
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