“It took me 4 months to get pregnant, so I totally understand what you’re going through”

I have a friend that is also TTC. She is currently on her fourth month trying and recently found out that her sister is pregnant because the condom broke once. She was telling me how much it sucks to see someone get pregnant accidently when she is trying to get pregnant, which I can empathize with. It sucks when you don’t get pregnant right away. It sucks even more when you’ve had a couple failed cycles and then find out someone is having an unplanned or accidental pregnancy. It doesn’t matter where you are in your journey, it just sucks. However, my friend followed this up with how she totally understands what I’m going through with infertility because it’s taking her “so long” to get pregnant.

Just, no.

It takes the average healthy couple 6-12 months to conceive, so at 4 months you’re barely a third of the way to average. Let me reiterate, it sucks when you’re ready for a baby and it isn’t happening right away, and you may be wondering if something is wrong, but it in no way compares to sitting in your doctor’s office and hearing them diagnose you with infertility, with finding out that you have practically no change to conceive naturally, to face spending tens of thousands of dollars on treatments with no guarantee that they’ll work, with having to consider using a sperm or egg donor, or a surrogate, to give up on ever having children because the only options available are beyond your means whether financial or emotional. You can’t understand that until you’ve been in that doctor’s office, you’ve had tubes and dye shoved into your uterus, your husband has visited “that room” at the doctor’s office, you’ve taken medications that have turned you into an unrecognizable person, you’ve sobbed on your bathroom floor because after spending $1000 and having a head ache and cramps and widely varying emotions for the past 2 weeks you’re still not pregnant.

Even as someone struggling through infertility, I can’t truly understand what my infertility family members are going through, because our journeys are so different. Some are doing IUI after IUI because IVF is out of reach financially or not compatible with their beliefs. Some have no problem getting pregnant but always miscarry and are afraid of another positive test because they fear another loss. Some get pregnant from treatment but miscarry. Some need surgery and recovery before they have a chance of a successful pregnancy. Some need a sperm or egg donor. Some have exhausted all their options and have chosen to be child free not by choice while others are pursuing fostering and adoption. Some book an appointment to see an RE and then cancel because they got pregnant with no treatments. Some try a treatment and it works. Some have completely normal test results but still can’t get pregnant.

My journey has been one of mostly waiting . . . waiting for my problems to go away naturally, waiting for tests, waiting for an OBGYN appointment, waiting for an appointment with RE #1, waiting until we’ve moved, waiting for an appointment with RE#2. In 18 months I’ve spent 11 months waiting and I’ve got 7 more to go before my next appointment. By the time my appointment rolls around we’ll have been TTC for 2 years. You can’t understand what that feels like when you’re on month 4, and you’re minimizing my struggle, my pain by even suggesting it.