It's none of your business

People seem to have an inordinate fascination with what is going on with a woman’s uterus and whether it is or is not or if it will ever be housing a fetus and it is none of your business.

Asking a woman if she’s going to have kids is a loaded question. It implies that her life is not complete if she doesn’t have kids. It suggests she needs to have kids. It is asking an extremely personal question about a major life decision that does not need to be shared or justified by anyone but herself and her partner. It is reminding a woman that she can’t have a baby, or has miscarried several, or that time is running out.

The decision to have children is personal. Some women do not want to have kids. There are many reasons why they may have made this decision, and it doesn’t have to do with hating kids or being selfish. There may be medical reasons, financial reasons, or just no desire to actually go through the process of pregnancy, labour, and actually raising a child.

Some women want kids more than they can possible describe. They long to feel a baby kicking, to hold their child in their arms, to watch a little person form and learn and grow. They will make the decision to have a child, and 9 months later baby will arrive. It will be difficult and trying and rewarding. When the time is right they will have another, or they’ll stop at one. Again, another personal decision that is none of your business.

Other women want kids but can’t have them. They struggle with infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss. Your question reminds them of what they can’t have and what they spend most of their time longing for. It reminds them of their dwindling bank accounts, the mornings crying on the bathroom floor as another period arrives, the frantic calls to their doctor because they are miscarrying for the first or second or fourth time. It reminds them that they are losing hope that they will ever have a child, the struggle not to start crying every time they see another pregnancy announcement, the heartbreak they feel as they decide if they can handle more or if it’s time to accept being child free not by choice.

I’m 30. I’ve been married for 2 years. I’m done school. My husband and I have great jobs. We are saving to buy a house. If I wanted a baby I’d have one. If I don’t there is a reason. It could be that we don’t want a baby. It could be that I want a baby and my husband does not or vice versa. It could be that I want a baby but can’t have one for medical reasons. Maybe my life will be at risk if I get pregnant. Maybe I have medical condition that will be aggravated by pregnancy. Maybe we are dealing with financial issues and can’t afford a baby. Maybe we want to build our careers or buy a house before having a baby. Maybe we’re dealing with infertility. Maybe we’ve done fertility treatments and they haven’t worked. Maybe we can’t afford fertility treatments. Maybe I’ve had a miscarriage. Maybe I’ve had several miscarriages. My uterus is none of your business. If you are not my doctor or my partner, think really hard about if it is any of your business if/when I’m going to start (or continue) having kids. (Answer – No, it is not). Your “innocent” question asked of the wrong person on the wrong day could mean your friend or family member is going to be sobbing the second she is alone.