What not to say

When you are struggling with infertility it seems like everyone has some “helpful” advice for you, but people rarely say the right thing.

“At least you’re young” or “you’re too young to be doing infertility treatments”

Infertility hurts at any age. If you and your partner are ready for a family and it’s not happening for you, then age doesn’t matter. People are ready and wanting kids at a wide variety of ages, and medically speaking, if they have been trying to get pregnant for 1 year (6 months if over 35) then it is time to seek medical help. It doesn’t matter if you are in your 20s or early 30s.

“You could just adopt” or “I know someone that adopted and then got pregnant”

No one can “just” adopt. Adoption is a time consuming, expensive and potentially heart-breaking process. I’ve seen different numbers on different adoption websites, with estimates of it taking 2-10 YEARS from starting the adoption process to getting a child. The cost is astronomical. We are talking tens of thousands of dollars ($20,000-$60,000). You potentially go through cycles where a birth mom picks you and then decides to keep the baby, or you get the baby and then the birth mother or father pursues custody a few years later and you lose the child.

“My friend’s sister’s boss was told she can’t have children and now she has twins”

Well, that is great for her, but her fertility diagnosis has no bearing on mine. Yes, there are people that have babies against the odds, but there are many people that will never be able to have children because they can’t afford the treatments, or stop treatments because it’s too much heartbreak, or the treatments don’t work.

“You just need to relax/go on vacation/get drunk/stop trying/etc”

Actually, no I don’t need to do any of those things. I have a diagnosed medical condition that prevents me from getting pregnant naturally. “Relaxing” won’t fix that (and thanks for suggesting that it’s my fault for not being pregnant). Going on a vacation won’t fix that. Getting drunk isn’t going to help. Stop trying – guess what? That won’t work either. The people that do any of these things and get pregnant were not dealing with infertility. Would you tell someone with any other medical diagnosis to just relax or go on vacation to be cured? Hey, diabetic friend, don’t bother with insulin, just relax! Oh, you’ve got multiple sclerosis? You should just get drunk.

“You can have my kid” or some variation of “you are so lucky you get to sleep in”

Really? You would give up your kid so that you can sleep in? (And thanks for suggesting that you dislike your kid so much that you will give them away). So, my lawyer will be contacting you to work out the adoption agreement asap.

“It could be worse, you could have cancer”

Yes, it could be worse, but that does not minimize the pain I am feeling.

“Trying is the fun part”

If you think this you obviously did not need to “try” to get pregnant. Actually “trying” to get pregnant is not fun. Does it sound fun to say to your partner “no sex tonight, doctor’s orders” or “It doesn’t matter if you’re in the mood, the doctor said we need to have sex today”.

“You should try BBT charting/ovulation prediction kits/more sex/less sex/preseed lube/etc”

Again, there is a diagnosed medical reason that people with infertility have that is making it difficult for them to get pregnant. Not only have they likely tried all these things, trying PreSeed or using ovulation tests are not going to be the magic solution. People with infertility are taking powerful drugs, and having sperm put directly into their uterus, or having embryos transferred because nothing else has worked. If you don’t ovulate, lube isn’t going to fix that. If your sperm count is low, BBT charting isn’t going to help.