The Semen Race

There are very few things in the infertility journey that are funny. The diagnosis, the doctor visits, the blood tests, the HSG, the financial burden, the self-doubt, the wondering if you are less of a woman because you can’t have kids, the daily emotional struggle – none of this is funny. However, we did have an amusing moment in the past month with my husband’s semen analysis.

While there are many infertility tests for women, men generally don’t have a lot of testing done. Even though the rates of infertility are similar between men and women, with 35% of all infertility cases due to a problem in the women, 35% with a problem in the men, 20% in both partners, and 10% unknown, usually a semen analysis is the only test a man needs.

Since I’ve already been diagnosed with infertility, we were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist for treatment. My husband needed to have a semen analysis performed as one of the last pieces of our infertility work up. Despite the fact that we live in a metropolitan area, there are not many labs that handle semen samples. My husband called the closest lab, a 22 minute drive from home in no traffic, to make arrangements for his test. The lab does not allow you to collect your specimen on site, so my husband would need to collect his specimen at home and deliver it to the lab within 30 minutes. Although it wasn’t amusing at the time, the whole semen collection and delivery is quite funny.

First, my husband had to book an appointment at a time when it was likely that there would be no traffic. We also had to make sure that his appointment didn’t overlap with my predicted fertile window since you are required to abstain from ejaculating (yes, the instructions did say this exactly) for 48 hours before specimen collection.

Getting from our apartment to the car and then driving to the lab would take exactly 30 minutes - we timed it when he went to get the specimen cup – so I worked from home that day so I could pull the car out front and shave off a few precious minutes.

I spent the hour before leaving listening to all-traffic all-the-time radio to make sure there were no problems on the route. I also obsessively checked the traffic websites for construction or accidents.

I’m an obsessive worrier so I kept telling my husband to remember to put his wallet in his pants, and to have his pants and shoes nearby so we could leave ASAP, and to keep the specimen warm.

I waited out front in the car while he collected his specimen. He was barely buckled up before I was off to the lab. Of course, we hit every red light on the way to the highway. Once I got on the highway I got stuck behind those people that drive 20 below in the passing lane. I had terrible road rage, yelling ridiculous things about the semen sample needing to get to its’ destination and to get out of my way NOW.

I was so stressed out driving because I wanted to drive FAST to get the sample there on time, but I also didn’t want to get pulled over for speeding. I imagined what I’d say to the cop if I got caught in a speed trap “Sorry officer, I need to get this sperm to the lab” or “Can my husband take the car and just leave me here on the side of the road while you write my ticket?”.

Luckily, we made it there 25 minutes after specimen collection. I didn’t get any speeding tickets. My husband found it really weird to walk up to the lab technician and say “I have a sample of my semen for you”.

After the whole semen delivery, we had to wait 10 days for the results. This sucked because they have to analyze the semen right away and would have the results that afternoon, but they couldn’t upload the results on the patient portal. It was 10 days before my husband could get an appointment with his doctor to get the results.

Unfortunately, we found out that we are one of those lucky 20% of couples where both partners have problems. Our appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist is still 6 days away, but based on the most recent medical studies, it looks like in vitro fertilization with intracytoplasmic sperm injection (IVF with ICSI) is our only option.